Parody? Perhaps… Perhaps Not…Sandy
Parody? Perhaps… Perhaps not…
Delaware: Multiple news outlets have reported that President-Elect Biden would be making a major announcement this week on what is being called “Day One” Executive Actions on gun control. So it came as a surprise when he took the podium yesterday and announced a series of proposed executive actions targeting the First Amendment.
Since his announcement, many have speculated that he simply forgot that the issue he has been pressured to address has been the Second Amendment, and instead Googled the U.S. Constitution and targeted the First Amendment “since it was the first one on the list”.
Former candidate Michael Bloomberg, who has been an incessant champion for gun control, was dismayed, but cautiously optimistic.
“It’s not what we wanted, but it does suggest that he is going down the list. Some of his executive actions of the First Amendment have merit, but I am concerned that he is going to forget the order in which these things are written and possibly skip to the Third Amendment. We need Common Sense Gun Safety! (™) and we need it now!”, said Mr. Bloomberg as he was being ushered into his limousine by his security personnel.
Other Democratic politicians were more sanguine about the actions.
“If the incoming administration wants real change, they will focus on getting everyone on the same page on global warming… sorry… global cool… climate change. These dissenting voices are becoming a major irritant and, frankly, my contacts in China are getting a little pissed off. The U.S. has deregulated itself and shifted economic prosperity from the PRC to the U.S. We need a global balancing!”, said U.S. Representative Eric Swalwell.
He also apparently felt compelled to issue the following statement as a follow up: “Anything bad that has ever happened to me or our country was a direct result of Russian interference. I love the Chinese!”
When pressed on this tangential issue, he was asked if Russia had played such a pivotal role in ensuring President Trump’s victory over Hillary Clinton, why did they abandon him in his election contest with Joe Biden?
Representative Swalwell began coughing at the conclusion of the query and said he was simply too ill to provide further comments.
President-Elect Biden’s executive order on the First Amendment is being called Common Sense regulation for the protection of the First Amendment.
(If you have arrived here from our newsletter, continue reading here…)
Among other things, his series of executive orders would do the following:
- Prohibit the practice of religion unless that religion has been given specific permission by the federal government to engage in religious activities.
- Allow for assembly of persons if the subject matter of the assembly has been given approval by the Department of Homeland Security.
- Require all forms of written or video-based speech be first vetted by DHS.
- Instruct all internet providers that a member of DHS will now be permanently stationed in their offices, with full access to all communications.
- A mandate that all citizens face west twice a day for one minute each time.
Reporters from the major news organizations at the press conference were completely passive after he finished his statement. When asked if there were any questions, President Elect Biden was met with 20 seconds of silence and smiles among the assembled reporters. Janet Johnson from the AP finally asked if he still enjoyed ice cream.
President-Elect Biden smiled back and assured her that he still did.
In follow-up conversations with Biden’s Chief of Staff, a more expansive reasoning for the executive order was put forth:
“Well… he kinda caught us by surprise on this one. But you know… that is Old Joe for you! Never know what that guy is going to say! But you know, he is brilliant, simply brilliant! He sees things that, frankly, most of us don’t see. What he is doing here is something America needs and we need it now! If the Republicans in Congress are not going to act on this, and they have shown no inclination to, the President will do it for them… because that’s the kind of guy he is!”
When pressed about the specific objectives of the executive order, Chief-of Staff Johnathan Snodgrass said the following:
“We need to get a handle on these religions… yes, all religions. Even the ones with cool stories. How many women have not had an abortion because they were told by the Catholic church it is not a good idea? How many people have had their philosophical and world views molded by the teachings of their religions? Geez, don’t even get me started on Scientology! And who are these religious leaders anyhow? Why do they think they know more than us? Hell, I have a degree from Harvard!”
When asked about the prohibition on assembly, he continued:
“You know we are in a pandemic, right? People gather and they touch each other; some people like to get real close from behind and smell other people… I know a guy like that. Regardless, it is dangerous! We need to control that behavior. Protesting when it supports our goals… well, that is ok, science tells us that. We need to follow the science! We need to do it for the children!”
When queried about the odd requirement to face west two times a day, Snodgrass became quiet and asked if he could contact his handlers in Beijing for an official answer.