Secretly Recorded Transcript Written as a Parody

This is a parody… the story is written to prove a point.

Classified:  The following transcript was recorded from a secret recording device in the U.S. Senate chambers by Russian operatives.  The transcript was then leaked to Wikileaks by a Russian whistleblower.  Wikileaks did not want to publish the document so an internal mole from the Weekly World News downloaded the transcript, and it was, ultimately, published and delivered to thousands of grocery stores throughout the United States. 

Begin Recording:  00:00:00

[Rustling sounds and occasional coughing]

Voice #1:  “Senator, thank you for coming.”

Voice #2:  “Good to see you, Bob.  I’m happy to do this, but I don’t know what the point is.  You guys won’t budge.”

Voice #1:  “Senator, we may surprise you.  It’s just you and me.  Let’s be serious about this.”

Voice #2:  “Serious?! We are deadly serious, Senator! Your side has made it possible for all of these weapons of war to be on our streets!  People are dying, Senator!  You stand in the way of common sense.“

Voice #1:  “Yeah… cut the crap, Senator.  It’s just you and me in here.”

Voice #2:  “Ha ha, yeah, sorry.  You never know who is listening outside the door… Got to keep the interest groups happy you know.”

Voice #1:  “Yes, we know.”

Voice #2:  “So, what do you want to talk about?”

Voice #1:  “Well, we have a proposal.  Look, your side wants to eliminate all private possession of firearms, and…“

Voice #2:  “We don’t want to ban all guns! No one has ever talked about gun confiscation or anything like that! We just want common…“

Voice #1:  “Senator, we are prepared to ban all firearms.”

Voice #2:  “Really?!?  That is great!  We completely support…“

Voice #1:  “No, not really.  I am lying.  But I wanted to point out what your ultimate intentions really are, and that is totally okay.  We get it.  We just want to be open and honest.”

Voice #2:  “You’re a bastard, Senator.  Nice move.”

(If you have arrived here from our newsletter, continue reading here…)

Voice #1:  “Thank you.  We do have a proposal though, one that we think you and your constituents will like.”

Voice #2:  “Okay, do tell.”

Voice #1:  “Good.  Building on the idea of citizen registration, similar to that of the Selective Service Mandate, Social Security, and voter registration, we have an idea to track.”

Voice #2:  “Yes!  Gun registration!”

Voice #1:  “Well, we might have one better.  When you look at the active shooters that have plagued our nation over the last couple of years, a striking demographic can be seen.  They range from being completely mentally disturbed with no rational motivations, to fairly articulate collectivists who espouse social democratic, socialist, and Democratic party platform positions.”

Voice #2:  “That is not true!  Well, it’s mostly not true.  Regardless, the sheer fact that they engage in this act transcends political parties.”

Voice #1:  “Yeah, whatever.  Regardless, there is a definable trend.  We want to stop that.  We have a proposal.  You see, Senator, the entire dialogue on gun control has been a one-sided negotiation.  Your side wants us to capitulate, and since you offer nothing in return we dig in our heels.”

Voice #2:  “I disagree! We offer safety and security.”

Voice #1:  “Not even close, Senator. Regardless, for any negotiation to work, your side will need to give up something too.”

Voice #2:  “I can’t believe I am asking this, but what do you want us to give up?”

Voice #1:  “Mandatory voter registration.” 

[Unintelligible gasping]

Voice #1:  “When someone, anyone, turns 21, he or she will register to vote, just like selective service at 18.  They will check Republican, Democrat, Communist, Green, Libertarian, whatever boxes we want to put on the form.”

Voice #2:  “Hmmm.  When someone reaches college-age graduation, he is mandated to register to vote?  Ok, I’m liking this.”

Voice #1:  “We kind of thought you would.  If they pick Democrat, even if they subsequently change political parties, they will then be deemed a prohibited person for life and can never own or possess firearms.”

Voice #2:  “What?!?”

Voice #1:  “If you agree to this, we will agree to a comprehensive background check for each firearm transfer nationwide.”

Voice #2:  “I can’t believe I am hearing this!”

Voice #1:  “It gets better.  A prohibited person pursuant to a designation as a Democrat also is prohibited from engaging in any speech or advocacy associated with gun control.  If you agree to this, our side will be willing to sign off on a nationwide ten-round magazine restriction.”

Voice #2:  “This is preposterous!  We will never agree to this!  How can you ask us to willingly abrogate our First Amendment rights?!”

Voice #1:  “You are asking us to abrogate our Second Amendment rights.  Is not one worth the other?”

Voice #2:  “I can’t believe I agreed to this meeting.”

[Sounds of a chair being pushed back and a briefcase being closed.]

Voice #2:  “No one in my party would ever agree to such a thing.”

Voice #1:  “Oh, I don’t know, Senator Maria-Lipshitz and Senator Francis Raul-Snodgrass have expressed an exploratory interest.”

Voice #2:  “Go to hell, Senator, not going to happen.”

Voice #1:  “But Senator, if it results in the saving of just one life, is it not worth it?”

[Sound of door slamming shut]

3:01:04

-END OF TRANSCRIPT-

This story has been fabricated by the author to prove a point.  

Steven Lieberman is a co-owner with his wife/partner Sandy Lieberman of the Artemis Defense Institute, a tactical training facility headquartered in occupied California.   (www.artemishq.com).  Mr. Lieberman is also one of the founding partners in the Law Offices of Lieberman and Taormina LLP.  Their law firm specializes in use-of-force and Second Amendment defense and litigation.

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